Reflections 2023

2023.......where do I begin.

January began with great hope.....this was the hear to make great strides, the year to learn much, the year to gain friends and information.

But this has been the year of most tears and most stress.

I have learned how individualistic people can be, how selfish and how opinionated the human soul can be. " Drag anyone under the bus as long as you can save your back" a mantra that I cannot subscribe to but is priority for most. I have found myself an outcast because of my personality. I have seen traps set for my failure and manipulations like I never could imagine in the human race, but I am glad we made it out. With multiple bruises and hurts but we soldier on.

My eyes were opened to true hidden nature of men. Mentors turned into ravenous wolves, friends turned into foes and family into strangers. I have never had such a year in my life. 

As I count the loses and the strengths gained because of the constant bashing in all circles of my life, I thank God for my husband who has been a pillar of strength, kids who have been a consistent inspiration to make myself better and my mum who I lack the words to describe her love.

My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory. As the curtains close on 2023, I can only pray for breakthrough in ministry. Christ mindedness is key. Peace at Work because men it's been a roller coaster and continued happiness where it counts most.

I will definitely be engaging God in serious conversations about my career, family and most importantly my faith with an aim to seek clarity for the years to come. May His grace be sufficient and may he never leave me. May all the naysayers be silenced as God shows up to show off.

I leave 2023 wounded but I am hopeful that the wounds are scars of victory of the battle that I fought and survived. Truly had it not been the Lord by my side.....let Julie now say!!

The year of the "New Normal"

2019 was termed to be a doomed year due to COVID 189 and all just wanted a reset and thus the anticipation of 2020 and when that did not happen we all went into 2021 with a mind reset.

For me, 2021 was a year of hope after much frustration in 2020. I cannot precisely recollect how it all started but it was still full of government curfews and multiple restrictions. As I try to wrap my thoughts around what this year was this is what comes to mind;

Mentally

This was a year that I was afraid because of a very difficult struggle with depression, but it was in that struggle that I realized my resilience to fight and keep my head above the waters even when I was literally drowning. I mastered the art of mental compartmentalization as an escape where I could literally block of a part of my thoughts to avoid drifting into a very dark place.

Emotionally

This year was full of bipolar-like tendencies and was just a roller coaster of emotions. I would literally be laughing hysterically and within the next ten minutes be crushing and crying uncontrollably. many nights were spent in the toilet crying after my family went to sleep trying hard to muffle the sounds with a towel stuffed into my mouth. It was also a year where I felt very insecure and highly threatened by everyone and everything around me. it was a year of great discontentment, envy, and regret accompanied by self-hatred and self-condemnation.  Thanking God that I am somewhat trying to deal with that.

Physically

Stress and depression sort of come with coping mechanisms and for me, comfort eating was one of them, not to mention the additional disadvantage of hormonal issues, it was a year in which I gained much weight and still struggling to get back on the fitness bandwagon.

Financially

This was a year of financial sustenance amidst many struggles

Marriage and Romance

I sigh when I begin to think of this but yet laugh at the same time. This year highlighted moments when I actually thought my marriage will end and moments of great love and memories. Eccl 3:11 was an anchor for my marriage as it was shaken by in-laws, my own family, financial situations, and emotional storms amidst the irony of helping to heal broken hearts and relationships while ours was hanging by a thread, but I believe what didn't break us actually made us stronger!

Family

This year saw me lose out on closeness with most members of my extended family, not sure whether to blame COVID or to say that it exposed the strength of ties previously established. However, I gained a closeness with my two siblings which was surely amazing.  I think we are growing older and learning the value of investing in our relationships. It was also a year I desperately hated myself for not being in a position to bring my Mum back home and wanted to be available and present for my cousins and their families but some of those turned out dramatic....stories to tell. I still yearn for genuine friendship and mentorship in both my families and an end to competition to see who is living a better life. Hopefully, with time we will achieve this. It was a year of trying to finally fit in with my in-laws which still remains a struggle marred with many unexplained actions and norms. Hopefully, we will crack this sooner than later. #Bashloading

Grief and Loss

It was a year of pain and tears as I said goodbye to my cousin Ochi and My aunty from my husband's side Grace Roimen ( whose love was felt purely more and genuinely than experienced by me from anyone else in this family). I still mourn their Loss.

Parenting

This gets harder by the day. Our little Prince is becoming more opinionated and we're are still trying to get the balance between discipline & love so as to create a safe haven for him to call home. He still doesn't eat as well and once school happened it's been a consistent tag on my heart strings with every hospital visit. My life's desire for his schooling was also not achieved but we keep striving hopefully with prayers and effort we will manage to give him a better life. Much thanks to my mother who has been a shoulder of comfort in all the ups and downs since our son was born. 

Ministry

As a believer salvation is key and is core. This year has seen in fightings in some of our local branch ministries; resistance, and lack of youth mentorship. I really miss our Apostle. We have been praying for God to plant us in the soil in which we will be able to grow and bear much fruit, After receiving much heat over the years I feel our spiritual lives need both healing and revival. I feel the need for leaders who are not just concerned about the now and growing the church but have a heart to labor and sow with love and patience into the lives of young people, walking with them all individually, picking them up, dusting them off and even correcting them so as to show them the way until they see them standing and established in their calling as ordained by God before the foundations of time. May God plant us, give us ministry fathers who can identify the giftings of God in our lives even when we do not see it and can be shepherds to nature those giftings to the saving of our generation and raising of workers who will labor to see revival fully birthed in the land. In this regard, I cannot forget to thank our Presbyter and His wife true leaders, servants, teachers, and parents to this point in our lives. Pockets of revival are already springing up in various parts of the country may we be partakers.

Work & Career

This area has been a challenge in my life, I am still trusting God for his direction and alignment in this area. I feel it is not what it is meant to be. This year I saw the corruption in our country and experienced Kenyans being raced against in their own country from "courtyard seats". Someone needs to blow a whistle and the government needs to do something to secure the future for our youth, The situation is dire. May we get sobber leaders in this coming election.

 

As the curtains close on this year, I can only pray for complete mental and emotional healing, spiritual revival and awakening, closer valuable ties with friends and family,love and establishment as a family, better mastery of our parenting skills, wealth health and prosperity and a peaceful election ahead.......

goodbye 2021 and welcome 2022, the year of destiny appointments and breakthrough!

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Let me die, I pray thee!

Jonah chapter 4:3; Therefore now oh Lord, take I beseech thee my life from me; for it is better for me to die than live.

Job 6:8-9; “Oh that I might have my request, and that God would grant me the thing that I long for: even that it would please God to destroy me, that He would let loose His hand and cut me off!

1 Kings 19:4; But he himself when a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said it is enough; now ,O Lord, take away my life, for I am not better than my fathers.

Many times we as individuals reach a point in life when we feel overwhelmed either by tough situations or by unfair situations. We all get to the point of thinking that rest will be best found by us in the point of death. Paul said it most clearly. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

I personally have been a victim of such this past week. I was so tired of my life and surrounding situations. I always thought as I grew up that our family would be close knit and together after we all went through our share of life and cast away our pettiness for rationale and considered our love for each other greater than all. Unfortunately that has not been the case. We have seemed to drift further apart and our relationships reduced to “need based relationships”; such that if we are okay, we do not need each other. This has just been one of the areas in my life that has turned out contrary to my expectation.

I do not know how many of us have watched the animation “inside out” where  Riley is uprooted from her environment and all the things she feared become a reality and her emotions try to fight to keep her okay with Joy trying to keep all things together. At some point the core memories that made her personality islands start crumbling down.  So I can say my core personality islands have been crushing down as I try to face the many curve balls that life has been throwing at me in the recent past.

So yesterday I guess I had enough, I was driving down the road from work on the wrong side of an inside road in Karen and then suddenly there was a huge construction truck approaching me. The driver of the track flashed his lights and hooted as I kept approaching, the drivers behind me also hooted frantically for me to get back on the right side of the road but I just kept approaching the truck. I guess it was a rough day for me, it has actually been a rough year for me to this point, and for a moment I approached the track wishing that I would be hit and not die but get so injured that I would end up in a comma for a while. Just some sleep, some rest from the “too much” and as I approached the truck in those microseconds my mind played pictures of how peaceful i looked and how rested I was with all those tubes attached to my body lying down in that hospital bed, but then I saw the picture of my sister devastated and in tears and my mother calling each day asking if I woke up, or moved or said a thing. I saw my love seated at the side of my bed clenching my hand and asking me to wake up, spending nights and days in the hospital, I saw brethren from my church visiting and praying and I moved the car suddenly back to the right lane just in time for the fast approaching truck to pass by me!

I guess I love them too much; My Love, My sister and my mum to put them through it all. In the case of Job and Jonah they went on with their lives but in the case of Elijah God actually agreed that it was too much and prepared his exit.

God must have had a reason for me to change my mind and so I got home and did some house chores and drugged myself with a relaxant and slept the whole night. I woke up this morning more frustrated due to the night’s dreams. Later today in the office I read a scripture in Chapter  Job 5:17-27

                17 Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty. 18 For he makes sore, and binds up: he wounds, and his hands make whole. 19 He shall deliver thee in six troubles: yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee. 20 In famine he shall redeem thee from death: and in war from the power of the sword. 21 Thou shalt be hid from the scourge of the tongue: neither shalt thou be afraid of destruction when it comes. 22 At destruction and famine thou shalt laugh: neither shalt thou be afraid of the beasts of the earth. 23 For thou shalt be in league with the stones of the field: and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with thee. 24 And thou shalt know that thy tabernacle shall be in peace; and thou shalt visit thy habitation, and shalt not sin. 25 Thou shalt know also that thy seed shall be great, and your offspring as the grass of the earth. 26 Thou shalt come to thy grave in a full age, like as a shock of corn comes  in his season. 27 Lo this, we have searched it, so it is; hear it, and know thou it for thy good.

That did it for me. So many things may happen in life, you may even want to give up and die but God chastens those He loves. Something’s may happen to draw you closer, others to lead you to repentance and others to test you and prepare you for the blessing that is coming. This year is meant to be the best of them all; I guess that’s why it seems the toughest of them all. So to all who want to give up remember God is not asleep, all we need to do is to find Him in the midst of the storm and ask Him for strength, courage, wisdom or resolve to “hang in” there.

That which is coming after is surely beautiful. Peter walked on water and as long as His focus was on Christ he walked, when He focused on the waves beating against his feet he started sinking, but even then when he called out to Jesus he was saved. Do you feel like you are sinking?  I for sure am but I know that what is said of God is as it is. Many have searched it and it is so.

Love,

Heartonsearch

Battle of the mind

Napoleon Hill said "whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.

Paul in Romans 12 says " but do not be conformed to the standards of this world , but be ye transformed in the renewal of your mind"

It has been a struggle for me to get my mind, heart and emotion all in the same place" In this struggle i have learnt that whatever my heart would say my emotion would obey, but my mind, it has power. Power to make me and break me. Instances when i have woken up feeling defeated and alone and in the depths of trouble, it does not matter how much my heart and emotion felt in the opposite directions, my mind just dragged them along and before long i would find myself in a slump.

I have found myself struggling with so much and at a point where i was going to do something contrary to what i believe i got the insight and told my mind no, i was going to do the opposite and i did. Boy did it feel so good. In that small instant i felt powerful where i had felt overcome by something that was taking over all of me, my though, my emotion and all i could call me. In that instant God reminded me that it starts with my mind. Once my mind is on board it is easier to get the rest of me believing.

You know whatever it is you are struggling with you just need to make a purposeful resolve to not let it beat you. Is it a defeating health condition? Is it a struggle at work? Is it your Family? Your husband or wife? what is that condition that makes you feel defeated and lost.? that thing makes you want to stop. Well Napoleon was right......if you can think it, conceive it and believe it; you can be it.

Situations in life will come, there will be those days when you do not want to get out of bed, Those days when life seems more unfair than other days, Those days when your family members do not seem to be your greatest enemies,but you got to conceive your worth in your mind, You are valuable, you are strong, you are important. If you believe it you can be it.

Say it over and over again. I am not a master of meditation, but i believe that if you say it over and over again, it gets to the point where you can believe it, where it makes sense and where no one can do anything to change it.

I challenge us all to believe in that which you are. Especially my pessimistic friends.... do not go on the negative...believe it and you can. Yes you will!!

Help me take the Journey.

Let us train our minds, and we will be whatever we say we are because we are in our minds long before we are in appearance.


Love,
Heartonsearch

He has a way of Humbling us

In the book of Daniel there came a time that king Nebuchadnezzar had grown to the point that he was one of the most powerful kings and had subdued many nations to his rule. He had such a large store of wealth from plundering all the nations; it was so great it brought him to a place of pride. One day as he was walking on the roof of the royal palace he said “Is not this the great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty” immediately the kingdoms departed from him.

As I meditated on these things I realized that God has a way of humbling the mightiest of men. Pride is a dangerous thing before God. His word says that he raises the humble but resists the proud. It is recorded that a proud look is among the six things that the lord hates.

In the account of Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzar became like the wild animals, He roamed the land and his hair became as that of eagles wings. I am sure the subjects of Babylon were wondering what happened to him, God spoke to him in a loud voice that he would be this way for seven periods of time (an equivalent of seven years) and after the seven years he looked up and returned the Glory to God.

It occurred to me that at times we go through certain things in our lives because of our pride. Just reflect on your personal life and think back of the many times God gave you a promotion, or a divine connection. It is my understanding that because of our sin nature we are naturally predisposed to pride even without our knowledge. We talk about our successes most of the time to stir up envy in the hearts of our listeners. Daniel had learned the secret and even after interpreting the King’s dream, He did not take the Glory. He always made sure that ALL glory went back to God. This we know because never did we hear Nebuchadnezzar the king saying Daniel had done this, or that. He always referred to the God of Daniel.

That is where we err in our hearts, we always have the tendency to build our names, that I am the best, I am the most educated, I,I,I,I, is a poisonous disease. For me God has brought me to my knees, and I am searching my heart and asking for mercy. In logical sense I might have given praise and glory to God but inwardly there might have been a tiny root of pride. God says to the prophet Isaiah that The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.” I am not sure but it never hurts to seek God and to put my life under the reflection of his word.

May we not be those who do things merely as rules but those who are sincerely humble that the Lord in turn will raise us up!

Love,

Heartonsearch.

He still answers prayer

I do not know how many people still know that God answers prayer. scripture has it that whatever we ask in His name, we should ask knowing that we have received and it shall be given to us. Of late i have had a slump in my life, it seemed as though God had stopped listening but i kept praying anyway. "The effectual and fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."  It may not be a big miracle to many, others may not even consider it a miracle but to me it was a remembrance that God still answers prayer and if He could do this He can do even the bigger things i am trusting Him for.

My pastor is always telling us that there is no dustbin for prayers. I have learned  this through various scenarios in my life.

Growing up at some point my parents had to leave the country in such of a better life for us and it reached a point that the better life was far from reach. One particular scenario we had  no food and i did not have any money. I did not want to let our nanny know that we had a problem. That month my parents sent the bare minimum to help us survive and it had run out. I did not want to stress them out understanding that they were already trying hard to just get by. So i sat in my room coiled up in a corner and cried until i could cry no more and at that point of weakness and at the end of my road i asked God to kindly provide. Immediately i felt a nudge in my spirit to walk up to the bookshelf and a leading to open a specific book and inside of it i found tucked away some money. I was so glad called our nanny gave her money and she was able to buy something and prepare a meal for us that night

Later the next year i was feeling lonely, abandoned so to speak. I was sad that my parents had left, I was struggling with ulcers and did not get enough support from my family, at some point i was even accused of pretending just to get attention. One particular day in tears i asked God to just love me, i wanted to know that i was loved and that He was there through it all, After the prayer a friend i had not talked to in a long while sent me a message and said that God loved me and that i was God's princess. That day i felt the love of God shed upon my heart as i read that message and i got the courage to move on

In campus during my second year i lacked school fees and missed my third semester exams. There was no hope of any money, i owed the school more than Kshs. 100,000 and we were just keeping up at home. I remember going into our prayer place in campus (Upper Chambers) and i asked God to provide. I reminded him that His blessing makes rich and adds no sorrow and that i had already stayed out for almost four years before finally getting to campus due to lack of money and He had promised to provide. I did go home after crying and crying for God to provide before the payment deadline, but i remember i was so much at peace that He was going to provide and i assured my parents of the same and true to it a stranger paid for my fees and i never lacked fees again until i completed campus

Recently i was so discouraged and the littlest issue was troubling my heart, we have been having a water problem for almost 3 weeks now and i was so disturbed by this because we had paid the bills and yet still we had no water. I had just spent close to 3000 to buy water and our tank was almost empty now. Two nights ago i asked God to sort out the water issue and give my heart peace. Yesterday i came back anticipating that water had come but it hadn't come. I slept really late woke up today and went about my business. Upon arrival at home today my mind was not even concentrated on the water issue and as i opened the gate i heard water filling up into the tank. To some this might seem usual but for me it lit up my heart that God is still there, He listens and He provides. He still answers prayer

I have learned that prayer should be simple, sincere and full of faith. For anything done without faith is sin. Secondly God answers prayer just on time, within time and at the right time.

Many times we pray and loose hope but scripture encourages us " But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved". It is hard to hope against all hope but if we do not cast our confidence it has a great reward for us. I know in my heart that this year is heavy for me, i need a lot of things to work out together for my good and i pray that in the midst of all God will always shine a ray of light and remind me that Yes! He is able.



For all of you who have lost hope. Hope yet again He is able. God is not dead and He still answers prayer.  Take on the attitude of Habakkuk in 3:18

                             "Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls,Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds' feet, And makes me walk on my high places. For the choir director, on my stringed instruments."

The Lord be your strength, the Lord make you walk in high places, the Lord supply all your needs according to his riches in glory. 

Love,
Heartonsearch

heartonsearch: Perfect in weakness

heartonsearch: Perfect in weakness