Jonah chapter 4:3; Therefore now oh Lord, take I beseech
thee my life from me; for it is better for me to die than live.
Job 6:8-9; “Oh that I might have my request, and that God
would grant me the thing that I long for: even that it would please God to
destroy me, that He would let loose His hand and cut me off!
1 Kings 19:4; But he himself when a day’s journey into the
wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for
himself that he might die; and said it is enough; now ,O Lord, take away my
life, for I am not better than my fathers.
Many times we as individuals reach a point in life when we
feel overwhelmed either by tough situations or by unfair situations. We all get
to the point of thinking that rest will be best found by us in the point of
death. Paul said it most clearly. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.
I personally have been a victim of such this past week. I was
so tired of my life and surrounding situations. I always thought as I grew up
that our family would be close knit and together after we all went through our
share of life and cast away our pettiness for rationale and considered our love
for each other greater than all. Unfortunately that has not been the case. We have
seemed to drift further apart and our relationships reduced to “need based
relationships”; such that if we are okay, we do not need each other. This has
just been one of the areas in my life that has turned out contrary to my
expectation.
I do not know how many of us have watched the animation “inside
out” where Riley is uprooted from her environment
and all the things she feared become a reality and her emotions try to fight to
keep her okay with Joy trying to keep all things together. At some point the
core memories that made her personality islands start crumbling down. So I can say my core personality islands have
been crushing down as I try to face the many curve balls that life has been
throwing at me in the recent past.
So yesterday I guess I had enough, I was driving down the
road from work on the wrong side of an inside road in Karen and then suddenly
there was a huge construction truck approaching me. The driver of the track
flashed his lights and hooted as I kept approaching, the drivers behind me also
hooted frantically for me to get back on the right side of the road but I just
kept approaching the truck. I guess it was a rough day for me, it has actually
been a rough year for me to this point, and for a moment I approached the track
wishing that I would be hit and not die but get so injured that I would end up
in a comma for a while. Just some sleep, some rest from the “too much” and as I
approached the truck in those microseconds my mind played pictures of how
peaceful i looked and how rested I was with all those tubes attached to my body
lying down in that hospital bed, but then I saw the picture of my sister devastated
and in tears and my mother calling each day asking if I woke up, or moved or
said a thing. I saw my love seated at the side of my bed clenching my hand and
asking me to wake up, spending nights and days in the hospital, I saw brethren
from my church visiting and praying and I moved the car suddenly back to the
right lane just in time for the fast approaching truck to pass by me!
I guess I love them too much; My Love, My sister and my mum
to put them through it all. In the case of Job and Jonah they went on with
their lives but in the case of Elijah God actually agreed that it was too much
and prepared his exit.
God must have had a reason for me to change my mind and so I
got home and did some house chores and drugged myself with a relaxant and slept
the whole night. I woke up this morning more frustrated due to the night’s
dreams. Later today in the office I read a scripture in Chapter Job 5:17-27
17 Behold, happy is the man whom God
corrects: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty. 18 For he
makes sore, and binds up: he wounds, and his hands make whole. 19 He shall
deliver thee in six troubles: yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee. 20
In famine he shall redeem thee from death: and in war from the power of the
sword. 21 Thou shalt be hid from the scourge of the tongue: neither shalt thou
be afraid of destruction when it comes. 22 At destruction and famine thou
shalt laugh: neither shalt thou be afraid of the beasts of the earth. 23 For
thou shalt be in league with the stones of the field: and the beasts of the field
shall be at peace with thee. 24 And thou shalt know that thy tabernacle shall
be in peace; and thou shalt visit thy habitation, and shalt not sin. 25 Thou
shalt know also that thy seed shall be great, and your offspring as the grass
of the earth. 26 Thou shalt come to thy grave in a full age, like as a shock of
corn comes in his season. 27 Lo this, we have searched it, so it is; hear
it, and know thou it for thy good.
That did it for me. So many things may happen in life, you
may even want to give up and die but God chastens those He loves. Something’s
may happen to draw you closer, others to lead you to repentance and others to
test you and prepare you for the blessing that is coming. This year is meant to
be the best of them all; I guess that’s why it seems the toughest of them all.
So to all who want to give up remember God is not asleep, all we need to do is
to find Him in the midst of the storm and ask Him for strength, courage, wisdom
or resolve to “hang in” there.
That which is coming after is surely beautiful. Peter walked
on water and as long as His focus was on Christ he walked, when He focused on
the waves beating against his feet he started sinking, but even then when he
called out to Jesus he was saved. Do you feel like you are sinking? I for sure am but I know that what is said of
God is as it is. Many have searched it and it is so.
Love,
Heartonsearch
