Reflections 2023

2023.......where do I begin.

January began with great hope.....this was the hear to make great strides, the year to learn much, the year to gain friends and information.

But this has been the year of most tears and most stress.

I have learned how individualistic people can be, how selfish and how opinionated the human soul can be. " Drag anyone under the bus as long as you can save your back" a mantra that I cannot subscribe to but is priority for most. I have found myself an outcast because of my personality. I have seen traps set for my failure and manipulations like I never could imagine in the human race, but I am glad we made it out. With multiple bruises and hurts but we soldier on.

My eyes were opened to true hidden nature of men. Mentors turned into ravenous wolves, friends turned into foes and family into strangers. I have never had such a year in my life. 

As I count the loses and the strengths gained because of the constant bashing in all circles of my life, I thank God for my husband who has been a pillar of strength, kids who have been a consistent inspiration to make myself better and my mum who I lack the words to describe her love.

My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory. As the curtains close on 2023, I can only pray for breakthrough in ministry. Christ mindedness is key. Peace at Work because men it's been a roller coaster and continued happiness where it counts most.

I will definitely be engaging God in serious conversations about my career, family and most importantly my faith with an aim to seek clarity for the years to come. May His grace be sufficient and may he never leave me. May all the naysayers be silenced as God shows up to show off.

I leave 2023 wounded but I am hopeful that the wounds are scars of victory of the battle that I fought and survived. Truly had it not been the Lord by my side.....let Julie now say!!

The year of the "New Normal"

2019 was termed to be a doomed year due to COVID 189 and all just wanted a reset and thus the anticipation of 2020 and when that did not happen we all went into 2021 with a mind reset.

For me, 2021 was a year of hope after much frustration in 2020. I cannot precisely recollect how it all started but it was still full of government curfews and multiple restrictions. As I try to wrap my thoughts around what this year was this is what comes to mind;

Mentally

This was a year that I was afraid because of a very difficult struggle with depression, but it was in that struggle that I realized my resilience to fight and keep my head above the waters even when I was literally drowning. I mastered the art of mental compartmentalization as an escape where I could literally block of a part of my thoughts to avoid drifting into a very dark place.

Emotionally

This year was full of bipolar-like tendencies and was just a roller coaster of emotions. I would literally be laughing hysterically and within the next ten minutes be crushing and crying uncontrollably. many nights were spent in the toilet crying after my family went to sleep trying hard to muffle the sounds with a towel stuffed into my mouth. It was also a year where I felt very insecure and highly threatened by everyone and everything around me. it was a year of great discontentment, envy, and regret accompanied by self-hatred and self-condemnation.  Thanking God that I am somewhat trying to deal with that.

Physically

Stress and depression sort of come with coping mechanisms and for me, comfort eating was one of them, not to mention the additional disadvantage of hormonal issues, it was a year in which I gained much weight and still struggling to get back on the fitness bandwagon.

Financially

This was a year of financial sustenance amidst many struggles

Marriage and Romance

I sigh when I begin to think of this but yet laugh at the same time. This year highlighted moments when I actually thought my marriage will end and moments of great love and memories. Eccl 3:11 was an anchor for my marriage as it was shaken by in-laws, my own family, financial situations, and emotional storms amidst the irony of helping to heal broken hearts and relationships while ours was hanging by a thread, but I believe what didn't break us actually made us stronger!

Family

This year saw me lose out on closeness with most members of my extended family, not sure whether to blame COVID or to say that it exposed the strength of ties previously established. However, I gained a closeness with my two siblings which was surely amazing.  I think we are growing older and learning the value of investing in our relationships. It was also a year I desperately hated myself for not being in a position to bring my Mum back home and wanted to be available and present for my cousins and their families but some of those turned out dramatic....stories to tell. I still yearn for genuine friendship and mentorship in both my families and an end to competition to see who is living a better life. Hopefully, with time we will achieve this. It was a year of trying to finally fit in with my in-laws which still remains a struggle marred with many unexplained actions and norms. Hopefully, we will crack this sooner than later. #Bashloading

Grief and Loss

It was a year of pain and tears as I said goodbye to my cousin Ochi and My aunty from my husband's side Grace Roimen ( whose love was felt purely more and genuinely than experienced by me from anyone else in this family). I still mourn their Loss.

Parenting

This gets harder by the day. Our little Prince is becoming more opinionated and we're are still trying to get the balance between discipline & love so as to create a safe haven for him to call home. He still doesn't eat as well and once school happened it's been a consistent tag on my heart strings with every hospital visit. My life's desire for his schooling was also not achieved but we keep striving hopefully with prayers and effort we will manage to give him a better life. Much thanks to my mother who has been a shoulder of comfort in all the ups and downs since our son was born. 

Ministry

As a believer salvation is key and is core. This year has seen in fightings in some of our local branch ministries; resistance, and lack of youth mentorship. I really miss our Apostle. We have been praying for God to plant us in the soil in which we will be able to grow and bear much fruit, After receiving much heat over the years I feel our spiritual lives need both healing and revival. I feel the need for leaders who are not just concerned about the now and growing the church but have a heart to labor and sow with love and patience into the lives of young people, walking with them all individually, picking them up, dusting them off and even correcting them so as to show them the way until they see them standing and established in their calling as ordained by God before the foundations of time. May God plant us, give us ministry fathers who can identify the giftings of God in our lives even when we do not see it and can be shepherds to nature those giftings to the saving of our generation and raising of workers who will labor to see revival fully birthed in the land. In this regard, I cannot forget to thank our Presbyter and His wife true leaders, servants, teachers, and parents to this point in our lives. Pockets of revival are already springing up in various parts of the country may we be partakers.

Work & Career

This area has been a challenge in my life, I am still trusting God for his direction and alignment in this area. I feel it is not what it is meant to be. This year I saw the corruption in our country and experienced Kenyans being raced against in their own country from "courtyard seats". Someone needs to blow a whistle and the government needs to do something to secure the future for our youth, The situation is dire. May we get sobber leaders in this coming election.

 

As the curtains close on this year, I can only pray for complete mental and emotional healing, spiritual revival and awakening, closer valuable ties with friends and family,love and establishment as a family, better mastery of our parenting skills, wealth health and prosperity and a peaceful election ahead.......

goodbye 2021 and welcome 2022, the year of destiny appointments and breakthrough!

.

Let me die, I pray thee!

Jonah chapter 4:3; Therefore now oh Lord, take I beseech thee my life from me; for it is better for me to die than live.

Job 6:8-9; “Oh that I might have my request, and that God would grant me the thing that I long for: even that it would please God to destroy me, that He would let loose His hand and cut me off!

1 Kings 19:4; But he himself when a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said it is enough; now ,O Lord, take away my life, for I am not better than my fathers.

Many times we as individuals reach a point in life when we feel overwhelmed either by tough situations or by unfair situations. We all get to the point of thinking that rest will be best found by us in the point of death. Paul said it most clearly. For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.

I personally have been a victim of such this past week. I was so tired of my life and surrounding situations. I always thought as I grew up that our family would be close knit and together after we all went through our share of life and cast away our pettiness for rationale and considered our love for each other greater than all. Unfortunately that has not been the case. We have seemed to drift further apart and our relationships reduced to “need based relationships”; such that if we are okay, we do not need each other. This has just been one of the areas in my life that has turned out contrary to my expectation.

I do not know how many of us have watched the animation “inside out” where  Riley is uprooted from her environment and all the things she feared become a reality and her emotions try to fight to keep her okay with Joy trying to keep all things together. At some point the core memories that made her personality islands start crumbling down.  So I can say my core personality islands have been crushing down as I try to face the many curve balls that life has been throwing at me in the recent past.

So yesterday I guess I had enough, I was driving down the road from work on the wrong side of an inside road in Karen and then suddenly there was a huge construction truck approaching me. The driver of the track flashed his lights and hooted as I kept approaching, the drivers behind me also hooted frantically for me to get back on the right side of the road but I just kept approaching the truck. I guess it was a rough day for me, it has actually been a rough year for me to this point, and for a moment I approached the track wishing that I would be hit and not die but get so injured that I would end up in a comma for a while. Just some sleep, some rest from the “too much” and as I approached the truck in those microseconds my mind played pictures of how peaceful i looked and how rested I was with all those tubes attached to my body lying down in that hospital bed, but then I saw the picture of my sister devastated and in tears and my mother calling each day asking if I woke up, or moved or said a thing. I saw my love seated at the side of my bed clenching my hand and asking me to wake up, spending nights and days in the hospital, I saw brethren from my church visiting and praying and I moved the car suddenly back to the right lane just in time for the fast approaching truck to pass by me!

I guess I love them too much; My Love, My sister and my mum to put them through it all. In the case of Job and Jonah they went on with their lives but in the case of Elijah God actually agreed that it was too much and prepared his exit.

God must have had a reason for me to change my mind and so I got home and did some house chores and drugged myself with a relaxant and slept the whole night. I woke up this morning more frustrated due to the night’s dreams. Later today in the office I read a scripture in Chapter  Job 5:17-27

                17 Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty. 18 For he makes sore, and binds up: he wounds, and his hands make whole. 19 He shall deliver thee in six troubles: yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee. 20 In famine he shall redeem thee from death: and in war from the power of the sword. 21 Thou shalt be hid from the scourge of the tongue: neither shalt thou be afraid of destruction when it comes. 22 At destruction and famine thou shalt laugh: neither shalt thou be afraid of the beasts of the earth. 23 For thou shalt be in league with the stones of the field: and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with thee. 24 And thou shalt know that thy tabernacle shall be in peace; and thou shalt visit thy habitation, and shalt not sin. 25 Thou shalt know also that thy seed shall be great, and your offspring as the grass of the earth. 26 Thou shalt come to thy grave in a full age, like as a shock of corn comes  in his season. 27 Lo this, we have searched it, so it is; hear it, and know thou it for thy good.

That did it for me. So many things may happen in life, you may even want to give up and die but God chastens those He loves. Something’s may happen to draw you closer, others to lead you to repentance and others to test you and prepare you for the blessing that is coming. This year is meant to be the best of them all; I guess that’s why it seems the toughest of them all. So to all who want to give up remember God is not asleep, all we need to do is to find Him in the midst of the storm and ask Him for strength, courage, wisdom or resolve to “hang in” there.

That which is coming after is surely beautiful. Peter walked on water and as long as His focus was on Christ he walked, when He focused on the waves beating against his feet he started sinking, but even then when he called out to Jesus he was saved. Do you feel like you are sinking?  I for sure am but I know that what is said of God is as it is. Many have searched it and it is so.

Love,

Heartonsearch

Battle of the mind

Napoleon Hill said "whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.

Paul in Romans 12 says " but do not be conformed to the standards of this world , but be ye transformed in the renewal of your mind"

It has been a struggle for me to get my mind, heart and emotion all in the same place" In this struggle i have learnt that whatever my heart would say my emotion would obey, but my mind, it has power. Power to make me and break me. Instances when i have woken up feeling defeated and alone and in the depths of trouble, it does not matter how much my heart and emotion felt in the opposite directions, my mind just dragged them along and before long i would find myself in a slump.

I have found myself struggling with so much and at a point where i was going to do something contrary to what i believe i got the insight and told my mind no, i was going to do the opposite and i did. Boy did it feel so good. In that small instant i felt powerful where i had felt overcome by something that was taking over all of me, my though, my emotion and all i could call me. In that instant God reminded me that it starts with my mind. Once my mind is on board it is easier to get the rest of me believing.

You know whatever it is you are struggling with you just need to make a purposeful resolve to not let it beat you. Is it a defeating health condition? Is it a struggle at work? Is it your Family? Your husband or wife? what is that condition that makes you feel defeated and lost.? that thing makes you want to stop. Well Napoleon was right......if you can think it, conceive it and believe it; you can be it.

Situations in life will come, there will be those days when you do not want to get out of bed, Those days when life seems more unfair than other days, Those days when your family members do not seem to be your greatest enemies,but you got to conceive your worth in your mind, You are valuable, you are strong, you are important. If you believe it you can be it.

Say it over and over again. I am not a master of meditation, but i believe that if you say it over and over again, it gets to the point where you can believe it, where it makes sense and where no one can do anything to change it.

I challenge us all to believe in that which you are. Especially my pessimistic friends.... do not go on the negative...believe it and you can. Yes you will!!

Help me take the Journey.

Let us train our minds, and we will be whatever we say we are because we are in our minds long before we are in appearance.


Love,
Heartonsearch

He has a way of Humbling us

In the book of Daniel there came a time that king Nebuchadnezzar had grown to the point that he was one of the most powerful kings and had subdued many nations to his rule. He had such a large store of wealth from plundering all the nations; it was so great it brought him to a place of pride. One day as he was walking on the roof of the royal palace he said “Is not this the great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty” immediately the kingdoms departed from him.

As I meditated on these things I realized that God has a way of humbling the mightiest of men. Pride is a dangerous thing before God. His word says that he raises the humble but resists the proud. It is recorded that a proud look is among the six things that the lord hates.

In the account of Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzar became like the wild animals, He roamed the land and his hair became as that of eagles wings. I am sure the subjects of Babylon were wondering what happened to him, God spoke to him in a loud voice that he would be this way for seven periods of time (an equivalent of seven years) and after the seven years he looked up and returned the Glory to God.

It occurred to me that at times we go through certain things in our lives because of our pride. Just reflect on your personal life and think back of the many times God gave you a promotion, or a divine connection. It is my understanding that because of our sin nature we are naturally predisposed to pride even without our knowledge. We talk about our successes most of the time to stir up envy in the hearts of our listeners. Daniel had learned the secret and even after interpreting the King’s dream, He did not take the Glory. He always made sure that ALL glory went back to God. This we know because never did we hear Nebuchadnezzar the king saying Daniel had done this, or that. He always referred to the God of Daniel.

That is where we err in our hearts, we always have the tendency to build our names, that I am the best, I am the most educated, I,I,I,I, is a poisonous disease. For me God has brought me to my knees, and I am searching my heart and asking for mercy. In logical sense I might have given praise and glory to God but inwardly there might have been a tiny root of pride. God says to the prophet Isaiah that The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is based on merely human rules they have been taught.” I am not sure but it never hurts to seek God and to put my life under the reflection of his word.

May we not be those who do things merely as rules but those who are sincerely humble that the Lord in turn will raise us up!

Love,

Heartonsearch.

He still answers prayer

I do not know how many people still know that God answers prayer. scripture has it that whatever we ask in His name, we should ask knowing that we have received and it shall be given to us. Of late i have had a slump in my life, it seemed as though God had stopped listening but i kept praying anyway. "The effectual and fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much."  It may not be a big miracle to many, others may not even consider it a miracle but to me it was a remembrance that God still answers prayer and if He could do this He can do even the bigger things i am trusting Him for.

My pastor is always telling us that there is no dustbin for prayers. I have learned  this through various scenarios in my life.

Growing up at some point my parents had to leave the country in such of a better life for us and it reached a point that the better life was far from reach. One particular scenario we had  no food and i did not have any money. I did not want to let our nanny know that we had a problem. That month my parents sent the bare minimum to help us survive and it had run out. I did not want to stress them out understanding that they were already trying hard to just get by. So i sat in my room coiled up in a corner and cried until i could cry no more and at that point of weakness and at the end of my road i asked God to kindly provide. Immediately i felt a nudge in my spirit to walk up to the bookshelf and a leading to open a specific book and inside of it i found tucked away some money. I was so glad called our nanny gave her money and she was able to buy something and prepare a meal for us that night

Later the next year i was feeling lonely, abandoned so to speak. I was sad that my parents had left, I was struggling with ulcers and did not get enough support from my family, at some point i was even accused of pretending just to get attention. One particular day in tears i asked God to just love me, i wanted to know that i was loved and that He was there through it all, After the prayer a friend i had not talked to in a long while sent me a message and said that God loved me and that i was God's princess. That day i felt the love of God shed upon my heart as i read that message and i got the courage to move on

In campus during my second year i lacked school fees and missed my third semester exams. There was no hope of any money, i owed the school more than Kshs. 100,000 and we were just keeping up at home. I remember going into our prayer place in campus (Upper Chambers) and i asked God to provide. I reminded him that His blessing makes rich and adds no sorrow and that i had already stayed out for almost four years before finally getting to campus due to lack of money and He had promised to provide. I did go home after crying and crying for God to provide before the payment deadline, but i remember i was so much at peace that He was going to provide and i assured my parents of the same and true to it a stranger paid for my fees and i never lacked fees again until i completed campus

Recently i was so discouraged and the littlest issue was troubling my heart, we have been having a water problem for almost 3 weeks now and i was so disturbed by this because we had paid the bills and yet still we had no water. I had just spent close to 3000 to buy water and our tank was almost empty now. Two nights ago i asked God to sort out the water issue and give my heart peace. Yesterday i came back anticipating that water had come but it hadn't come. I slept really late woke up today and went about my business. Upon arrival at home today my mind was not even concentrated on the water issue and as i opened the gate i heard water filling up into the tank. To some this might seem usual but for me it lit up my heart that God is still there, He listens and He provides. He still answers prayer

I have learned that prayer should be simple, sincere and full of faith. For anything done without faith is sin. Secondly God answers prayer just on time, within time and at the right time.

Many times we pray and loose hope but scripture encourages us " But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved". It is hard to hope against all hope but if we do not cast our confidence it has a great reward for us. I know in my heart that this year is heavy for me, i need a lot of things to work out together for my good and i pray that in the midst of all God will always shine a ray of light and remind me that Yes! He is able.



For all of you who have lost hope. Hope yet again He is able. God is not dead and He still answers prayer.  Take on the attitude of Habakkuk in 3:18

                             "Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls,Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds' feet, And makes me walk on my high places. For the choir director, on my stringed instruments."

The Lord be your strength, the Lord make you walk in high places, the Lord supply all your needs according to his riches in glory. 

Love,
Heartonsearch

heartonsearch: Perfect in weakness

heartonsearch: Perfect in weakness

Encourage

I have a thousand and one words to say but none will come out,
i have trillions of thoughts and none seems to verbalise into words or tears,
my heart is steadfast oh Lord, my heart is steadfast , echoes the song of faith within my spirit,
yes faith....
the evidence of things not seen and substance of things hoped for,
the victory that hs overcome the world.
When the foundations are shaken who will stand ? Is the question pertinent in my mind for today i feel that my foundations are shaken,
yet encourage myself i will that my earthly foundation can be shaken but in Christ the rock of ages i have a house that is built on the rock,
i am the planting of the Lord,
i am that which he formed to establish,
that which is of him is forever, and i am of him because i am washed in the blood and baptized in water having His word abiding in me, and these three bear witness on earth working in agreement.

I will therefore cast not my confidence which has a great recompense and run the race set for me. Looking unto Jesus the author and perfector of my faith, for He who called is FAITHFUL!

Perfect in weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

In the previous scriptures of this chapter Paul talks about something besetting, He also says that three times he asked God that it be taken away from him but God confirmed strength in weakness.  

The purpose of this thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet (to hit repeatedly and with great force) him, was to “shield” Paul from being exalted by the abundance of revelations.

As I think about this I am reminded of another scripture in Galatians 4:1-4 that talks about an immature heir, and the need for governors and tutors.

Gal 3:23-25….. But before faith came, we were kept in custody under the law, being shut up to the faith which was later to be revealed.  Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith.  But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor…this reveals that maturity comes by faith; because the coming of faith abolished humanity’s need for tutors and governors.

You see Paul had already gained some insight into Christianity and life in Christ. He had attained some level of maturity and was no longer under tutors and governors. Paul was operating in great anointing and had numerous revelations of God and the heavenly kingdom. Maturity in Christ brings us to a level of recognition. I was compelled to think about this in respect to my current status.

How many Christians live their lives as though in constant combat? I have not been able to catch a full break for some time. It has been one thing after another with brief periods of recess to catch my breath. At some point I was convinced that I was living my life in sin and thus the Lord was punishing me, yet even after searching my life and repenting as convicted by the Holy Spirit things only seemed to get worse. Then today I morning God was talking to me about hope that does not disappoint ( Romans 5:3-5, 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.) and I felt really encouraged.

As Christians we have come out from the law of "do not" and "do" and through faith we have received the Holy spirit that helps us to walk the walk of faith. Now the revelation of faith causes us to walk in this world and not be of this world and by virtue causes us to defy the “Norms” of society. This defiance makes us earn praise because of the Lords working in our lives yet because of our fallen nature leaves us predisposed to pride and haughtiness of heart. So because of this the Lord at times allows the repeated hitting of our lives and not just repeated hitting but hitting with great force. Such a force that will constantly remind us to run back to God and to keep our lives in check. 

The easiest way in life is to give up  and throw in the towel. But we have two things;

 that our weakness is the fuel that perfects God’s strength in us 

and that all that we go through will eventually work in us hope, and this hope will never disappoint.

I am made stronger today as I close this note. It may seem painful, it may seem like it’s never going to work but a writer once said

“ A river cuts through a rock not because of its power, but because of its consistency”

So today I will try yet again, even though it is difficult I know that I will get consistency that will break my rock and that is hope and it never disappoints.

for all of us let us Keep on Keeping on

Love

Heartonsearch

Be a Man!

Lately i have been thinking a lot on the subject of the Man. most women will throw around the statement to their men or their sons "be a man" So what is a man? Timothy breaks it down when he is taking about an overseer. 

Miriam Webster definition-one possessing in high degree the qualities considered distinctive of manhood 

so what are this qualities distinctive of manhood i ask myself?

(1) Above reproach(disapproval/disappoint)

A man ought to strive to live his life above reproach, he is not supposed to intentionally disappoint others or his spouse. I use the word intentionally because it is inevitable not to disappoint others because of the different environmental exposures. This takes learning to know what is disappointing to the other person and making informed decisions not to indulge in this so called "disappointing " acts

(2) Husband but of one wife (Faithful)

A man is faithful. I used to think that faithfulness was just physical but faithfulness is mental and emotional too. 

(3) Temperate (showing moderation or Self -Restraint)

Many are the times as a man you will want to have structures or have things done in certain ways , or raise your voice e.t.c The ability to show self restraint in areas where it is your every right to react and not act makes you a Man

(4) Self-Controlled

This is self explanatory

(5) Respectable

Every man has to be estimable, decent of character and behavior and worthy of respect. Respect is earned and not demanded. Just because you are physically a man does not mean you will be respected. The way you carry yourself and treat those around you, will earn you the respect and high esteem. The culture you come from or your upbringing can be engraved in the material of who you are but it does not mean you cannot learn a new thing or two. Give people around you a reason to respect you for how you are and not because of the titles you bear. Remember; Demanded respect breeds resentment.....

(6) Hospitable

Mostly we look at this from the angle of being able to accommodate people. Today it occurred to me that hospitality spreads to ideas and flaws of the other. Real men are Hospitable, they have an ease or willingness with which they can accept or consider new things. Are you open or Closed minded? Well a Man is open minded.

(7) Able to teach

Teachers are considered the most patient. Think of this Pre-school teacher presented with a child who can barely construct a sentence or write anything. They take their time, deal with all the tantrums and imperfections of this child. I don't know how many of us cried silly the first time they were left with a teacher in school, i know i did, but before long this teacher was the name that flowed out of my mouth with reference to all i did. Teacher said do this, or don't do that or that's not the way teacher said it should be done etc.
 Humanly when presented to a stranger or strange environment our very nature reflects on what we have left behind and is remorseful but unless the new environment presents safety and comfort we feel oppressed and caged in but if we find that safety that we had where we are coming from, it is so easy for us to assimilate to our new environment, Ability to teach requires patience and at times stepping down to a level  "beneath your normal level" and that makes a Man!

This are but a few of the things that i am learning, that gentleness is not a western ideology or a lesser you, it just means that you are Man enough to sacrifice.

I conclude by saying " no greater love than this that a man should lay down his life for another" 
A man is sacrifice, 
                         even when its not worth it,
                         even when the other person tramples you underfoot,
Every human heart responds to the language of love, and love is birthed out of sacrifice.....

Let us trash all this ideologies of the world about real men!
Let us embrace our manhood and be the leaders we are meant to be.
Be a Man!

Love,
 HeartonSearch 

let me be me!

i may not smile the way you want me to,
that does not make me a lesser me,

i may not laugh at the jokes you expect me to
 but that doesn't mean i do not find you funny,

when you cry i may not embrace you,
even though i care more than you think,

when i am sad i may not show it,
forgive me i am trying to protect you,

see i am me,
and he made me me,
forgive my silence the word taught me so,
forgive my walls, they made me build them,

once in a while i will take down the beauty,
once in a while i will let go of the decorum,
once in a while i will not be so strong..........

this does not mean i am not me, i am me!

i always will be me!
you have to understand that its me
and decide whether to accept me or leave!

Please let me be me


love,
HeartonSearch

Today

Today i don't know where to turn
That's unusual because i always do
Today i feel the weight heavy
That's unusual because i am always able to carry it
Today i feel like no one's listening
That's ok coz either way they never do!
Today i feel tired and overwhelmed
That's unusual coz i always got it
Today if i could drive to nowhere
Or run as fast as my legs could carry me
Or dance myself to an emotional ending

I would,

But for some reason my driving seems questionable
And running too far from my reach
And songs to dance loud yet in mute

So.......
Today i will sleep
Today i will let myself cry
Today i will dream of sleeping in His loving arms

Perhaps i will be better......cause he makes all things beautiful in his time.

Heart Mind disparity

now faith is the substance of things hoped for........the evidence of things not seen!

faith is failing me today,
i feel tired,
i feel exhausted,
i feel alone though surrounded by many,
just one of those days when my mind does not agree with my heart


i choose not to complain
trying hard to give thanks
reaching my hand out for help
hoping that my eyes would open
and that my heart would perceive
but then again ,,,its just one of those days when my mind does not agree with my heart

he hols my future
he holds my peace
he knows my end
my now and my back then
yet i cannot feel him near
because it is one of those days when my mind does not agree with my heart

pictures of past that could have been
future that is yet to come
a gap i cannot connect
a now engraved in the concept of this great master piece
this one of a kind story of my life
never before told......
and of all days my mind does not agree with my heart

its okay
its in controll
but my mind is racing
doing rounds in the tracks that are my thoughts
and depositing 1000lb feelings in my heart
i can't Justify
i can't explain
see my mind and heart do not agree

today
i can't move it away in dance
i can't explain its magnitude as i write
i can;t cry it out,
i can't laugh it past me..........
one of those days when my mind challenges the very existence of my hearts belief






tell me again that i am loved
tell me again my heart cannot hear it enough
peradventure
it will anchor my belief
it will challenge my mind
it will engulf my existence
it will embrace my uncertainities
and cast away my fears
pulling me ashore
to where my mind and heart agree once again

love
heartonsearch

He's got you

I am thinking to myself the influence of our early life in our present life. It occurred to me that those who are rich and successful either came from very wealthy families or came from very poor families. Those that came from rich families were groomed to inherit and their parents connected them by placing them in the right schools and taking them to schools abroad that they may live in the wealth....probably for most of them their jobs were as a result of connections with their parents or their parents friends.
Those who are extremely poor were motivated because they wanted a better life for their children or wanted to be that person that got their family out of the deplorable situation. Such probably had basic education and struggled their way through pushing their intellect to achieve more than they had in order to compete for the same positions with this children who were groomed for success. Their first jobs were probably not worth mentioning and they worked as slaves to prove that they too deserved better positions. Their breakthrough for the lucky few was at first effort but for many it came at the point of giving up.

You see life is at times that unfair.....you may seem to conclude but have you ever thought of what drives you.
See the "rich kid" is driven by love
The "poor kid"is driven by fear

But they all make it in the end.

It just hit me today that most of us are busy running from our past, we are so afraid of the thought of ending up like our parents or having our children end up like our parents that we work effortless to achieve our "better life". Fear drive to endless working and more energy. Love drive positions us in a place to work with less energy because it shifts our focus from....i must make it by all means to the intended focus that says i can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Scripture has several principles to support this;
He gives sleep to those he loves
He causes to prosper the work of our hands
He has given us all thing pertaining to life and Godliness
He awakens our ears to hear as those who are taught....plus many more

My point is God has got you. It is time you change your running strategy...work hard but in God. He is able to give you divine ideas and divine connections and above all the peace of mind that make you more productive.

Work out of Love because he's got you! He sees and hears and even if you do not believe it he is not unfair though it seems that he is 95%of the time.

Just change the strategy work towrads a goal and nor as though running from a pit..He's got you. Work and trust his decree in jer 29:11 His plans are for good and not evil.

Love,
Heartonsearch.

When home is home no more

When home is home no more
I will cry in my heart
Let my soul tell all its pain
And my heart feel the strain

When home is home no more
I will sit in silence
And wait in the dark
And watch my soul in anguish

When home is home no more
I will miss the gone days
I will remenisce of joys past
And gaze afar of hope to come

When home is home no more
I will come to my senses
I will pick up myself
I will run............run as far as i can

Looking for Jesus,
Looking for my king,
Looking for my father,
Looking for my friend.....

Because in him i will find home
Not the surrounding
Not the people
Not the circumstance

But home! In his heart, resounding in my heart
Finally i will be home and my soul shall rest
Where home forever it will be!

Heartonsearch

Steady My Heart

for the righteous will never be moved,he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm trusting in the lord. His heart is steady ;he will not be afraid until he looks in triumph on his adversaries. He has distributed freely;he has given to the poor;his righteousness endures forever;his horn is exalted in honor............

it gets to that point when you trust what your heart feels. the other day i was reminded that i cannot trust my heart until it beats like Gods heart. many of us are walking wounded and distraught just because of trusting what our heart tells us. see this time i was sure.....i was all in....confirmations and all yet my hear in its deceit and desperate wickedness pulled me to a direction that almost cost me lots. so with love i address my heart today

Dear Heart,

I know that you are that which beats inside of me
that which causes me to hurt, and to love
to be sad and to be happy
to be moved into worship, yet at the same time be drawn to other things......
that from which the issues of my life flow out of.
yet i am also aware that you are desperately wicked,
and if not constrained you can lead me astray,
because it is  from you that my thoughts are incubated,
and emotions brewed until they flow out as actions
and i am aware that you are as fragile as a rose
  and only God can keep you at bay,
and only he can keep you safe
so i have given you to him
because i love you,
so stay in him that you may be steady and not afraid.
he will keep you from breaking and keep you pure.
i give you to him because i understand that i have no power in me to control you.

Heavenly father STEADY MY HEART!

Yours Heartonsearch

I am Me

Today was a very lovely day and at the end of it I was feeling quite sulk, But the one who is my helper, reminded me of the beauty of the savior I have. 

Just a reminder of who I am.

See I am that silent whisper,

I am that endless converser 

That comfort in turmoil,

That peace in the storm,

That friend you always need,

That direction when you are lost.....

And when they won't listen I always am,

And in their misunderstanding I get it,

I see how hard you try,

I experience the disappointing feeling when you cannot be there for them,

I read the intent in your heart,when all they can do is point fingers,

I know that you try but at times not that hard,

I feel your joy when it works out and the envelope of disappointment when it doesn't,

I know it's hard for you to understand, that it's all for the best......

Keep still because I speak the language of the storm, 

To me it submits and willfully obeys,

I hold the waters in my hand,

I am in you and you in me,

The fulfillment of the law was in me,

The promise of life in my sacrifice,

I am who I am,

I am me,

Me the way,

Me the truth,

And me the life.

No ones comes to my father but by me.

So when you doubt and the darkness seems to overwhelm you, just remember I am who I am.....

And we'll said I am me.......for you!

Love your Redeemer.

Set up for step up

I was just thinking of all the many things that the Devil and those working against you do to push you down and frustrate you,yet all the while they forget how much God is watching over His word to perform it and every setback overcome is a set up for our set up. You set up for better jobs, better relationships, better chances for ministry,better capabilities..... Over time I have learned that it is very important to understand that you are never defeated because God has a nature of overcoming and that He has put the same nature in us. He reminds us of that in 2 Timothy 1:7 for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. His piece that God inspired me to write really encouraged me . I hope it does the same for you.

As the leaves fall in the winter cold,

And trees sway left and right in dance to musical breeze,

I'm amazed at how fast the days have skipped,

And at how faithful he has been with every dawn,

See they sought to sift me like wheat,

Put my head for bounty and my spirit as a gunman's target,

Painted my spiritual image with a wanted sign and a price for anyone who would destroy me,

Yet in all this forgot of Him to whom I'm submitted,

With stupidly plotted,

Forgetting he commanded in his law in the act of psalms, section 91,subsection 11,for angels to keep watch over me,

And so he brought the flood to drown me and the storm to sweep me away,

But God cause me to walk on water and used the wind to set me soaring on Eagles wings,

Sent the Hail and thunder, but he who speaks in thunder hid me under......under His wings,under his pavilion,

Took away my direction without knowing to find it I would come into contact with my destiny groomers,

Sickness and diseases that turned out to be a testimony of His greatness,

Took away friends, but that only taught the value of true love,

Crushed my spirit and wounded my soul, but I who called upon the name of the Lord,was set free,now I'm free indeed,

You see no matter what they did they could not erase what God had established through his word for my life,as long as I stayed faithful to Him who called me. I'm still learning but one thing I know He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it in Christ Jesus and that which was meant to draw me far away from my God brought me closer to the one who loved me,the one who wasn't afraid to lay his life down for me. 

So take heart you are work in progress.....it's not over until God says So!!!!!!

Loving God Each day,

Heartonsearch.

More costly than Gold

Live in the spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh..........Galatians 5:16. many young people really struggle with the concept of Holiness and righteous living. The last two months have been quite interesting for me. A man of God i really cherished went to be with the Lord and it left me questioning myself. His life was such an example to me and i felt like a big gap was left for me. i was just thinking today the price of being different, there is this nature that i realized from the beginning was in us to just want to fit in and belong. i might have written this before but it is a challenge for us today to go against the grain.
to say i am longing for you, would be true,
and to declare my utmost desire for you would be my declaration of faith.
To open my mouth and hunger and thirst after righteousness would be a cause worth pursuit,
yet each day i wake up, i look around me, and all i see is what surrounds me.
A norm, a culture of superficiality,
a struggle of humanity, to be who we are meant to be, or who they want us to be,
its amazing how much i  have found myself struggling.
Many of the times holding on to the very thing that was snatched from me,
i worry, i spend time coming up with algorithms and ways to finally get it right.
i challenge my body,
i deny my mind,
i enslave my spirit so as to conform to the standard of what i think is right.
i get into stupid stuff and carry out acts that would surprise coming from someone else.
The reality constantly beats upon my chest as the waves on the sandy shore,
pain striking my life like the shock of a million bolts of thunder, each day striving to attain that level of Holiness, purity and love.
i find myself drifting into frustrations and lost in this confusion of life.
but each time i get there he hooks me like a fish and reels me in back to his arms.
A sad but awakening reality dawned on me today, it is not hard to get the money, the riches, the lush life, the meaningless relations and deceitful titles, but it is costly to go contrary to your nature,
David quotes "in sin did my mother conceive me", i have learnt that to live as Christ did is costly. it will cost you friends, it will cost you opportunities, it will cost you to go against the current,to go against the belief.
See many of us claim to be living holy but are we?
if we were to be tested so many of us would fail. yet its amazing that the grace has already been provided and the battle won. In this past year i have watched friends walk away,family rejections, and segregation but most of the times i have found myself to weak to fight against them, many are the times i have decided to be complacent and to go with the flow, to know God but to deny the power thereof ,its been a journey and it still continues. I know now that to choose life is not as easy as it sounds. Imagine someone telling you that

to live you have to die, you have to be born again, the pharisee Nicodemus, as well schooled in the word could not get it. Biologically once you die you cannot live again. I guess i am afraid to die. afraid to loose it all, but i am trying. This path is so different, so not what i expected. but i am hoping that each day i will be able to lay down my life for Him, just as He did for me. i would rather pay in gold any day but i guess that's how he planned it for me. to cut me of, to make me run after Him. I must take up my cross,and follow him and that to me is more costly than gold. Lord help me each day, keep me in the path of your will,wash me and i will be whiter than snow because after i have died to me , you will resurrect me in glory. i can't wait.........
love
Heartonsearch.

Reflections 2013-2014

So today was my birthday. I don,t normally make a fuss about celebrating my birthday but for some reason this year meant a lot to me. i remember praying for the day and asking God that it be a perfect and happy day and one that i would remember. As i sit back at the end of this particularly uneventful day i find my thoughts drifting back into memories of the year 2013-2014. I must say this year was a tough one, but as i think about it, it was a good year, one i think is worth mentioning.
God is the Author and the perfecter of all things me.
      most of the time through the years i have always panicked and wondered if He got things under control, well this past year was a clear indication that He does, i went through the waters and climbed mountains and through so much but in the end He always made sense that He was the one steering the boat, i was taught to trust in him even in the most difficult situations and for sure he carried me through.
Letting go is the beginning of letting God...
this one was a challenge because i am not the let go "kinda" person. i always want to hold on and do all i can to salvage situations. Now i know it is okay to let go. At times God allows us to go through some stuff to build us up, to nature us or to discipline us. if there is something i have accepted, is just because it did not happen doesn't mean you failed. i always tried to be perfect and try to be all things and pull all things together, sacrifice myself just to keep holding on....well if it changes you that much and causes you discomfort and even through prayer doesn't bring you peace or make you settled then its time to let go.
Live within my boundaries.......
this was the toughest for me, i am used to spending all i have just for others to get a good impression of me; be it getting into promises to salvage situations, going all out for others, i would do it and at the end of the day be so spent or so fatigued and damaged that i would end up so tired yet pick myself up the next day and do the same. i am learning to love me and to appreciate those who love me for me and with that the important statement "NO" was added to my vocabulary  which made my life far much better.
Life is awesome, Enjoy it,Love it,Savor it..........
always having a tendency to look into the future and not enjoy the today, life is fast paced but as you run take a moment to stop and look around. the scenery is breath taking.
Cherish what you have.......................
loving my friends was a challenge this past year and i know God will make it better this year.
there are so many positives i have gained and negatives i have been made aware of. As the sun goes down on this year and a new day dawns for me, i know that this year...
i will loose some friends
i will gain new friends
i will love more
i will laugh a lot
and above all i will touch some lives for his Glory.
i am grateful to God that in my immaturity He is making me mature, and in my stupidity he is making me wise, in my lack he is giving me plenty and though like Elijah, Ahab and his chariots have gone ahead of me, i need not be afraid ,because When His spirit comes down upon my life....He will anoint me to catch up with them that have gone ahead and give me the speed to overtake them. All i need is too stay focused on Him. So 2014-2015 is my year of seeking God's face........thank you to all who made 2013-2014 a blast, and to all who pierced my side, it was all worthwhile and a part of his plan for me. i am more passionate and more in love with my Redeemer King.
keep it real and remember Jesus is the only way to the Father.....John 14:16


love always,
Heartonsearch.